Not getting enough sleep: 4 Ways to Cope with a Snoring Partner

Are you ever faced with the dilemma of kicking your partner out of the room vs. just not getting enough (or restful) sleep? Are you kept awake at night by their sleep laughing, restlessness, talking, snoring or some combination of all of these things? In the beginning these things might seem amusing/tolerable but after a while the “bloom is off the rose” and the need for getting a good night’s rest takes over.  We love our partners and don’t want to kick them out of bed but when do you step back to find a solution?  A good starting point would be to determine the cause of the sleeping issues.

1.)  Get to the bottom of it – There are many contributing factors that cause someone to be a restless/snoring sleeper including dehydration, caffeine, alcohol, smoking, weight issues, and even preferred sleep positions among many others.  Figuring out what the root causes of your partner’s restlessness/snoring are and addressing them could lead to better more restful nights for all.  If they are talking in their sleep, it could be due to anxiety, stress, or some issue they need to work out and are unable to address during their waking hours.  If that’s the case, be sure to check in with them to see what’s going on and to see if you can help them talk it out before you go to bed.

2.) Eat a good breakfast – This is so important for so many reasons, but among those reasons is the fact that it will lead to better sleep.  People who eat first thing tend to have/produce more melatonin, which aids in sleep at night.  If you have less melatonin in your system, you may be more susceptible to waking up and more likely to be affected by the night time shenanigans of your partner.

3.) Consider sleep aids – There are lots of products in the market that claim to reduce snoring and/or promote restful sleep from breathing strips, oral/nasal decongestants and antihistamines, anti-snoring pillows to white noise machines.  If the snoring is a result of a cold, allergies, or one or more of the issues in the first point and not something more serious like sleep apnea then consider some over-the-counter options, if appropriate.  Also consider wearing ear plugs.  This may not be the most comfortable option but if you are determined to stay in the same bed, then consider it.

4.) Sleep in separate rooms – It doesn’t have to be a permanent solution but when all else fails, it might be necessary.  Many people balk at this notion and feel like it should be a last resort measure.  However, the thing to keep in mind is that sleeping in separate rooms does not mean there is something wrong with the relationship; it simply means you need your rest and sleeping apart will ensure that you do.

5 Signs That You Are Doing Too Much

Life is busy, life is messy, we all wear many hats and find ourselves encumbering many roles, but when do you say enough is enough?  Do you ever find yourself awake at night because you feel anxiety about all the things you have to do, literally the "to-do" list is playing over and over in your head and you feel your anxiety mounting? Have you ever found yourself in a situation and wondered why am I doing this or why am I spending time on this?  If you are like me this didn't happen overnight but was more of an accumulation of items piling up over time until you realized one day what once was manageable has now become a little bit more than you can handle.  If you haven't had your "moment of clarity," here are some tell-tale signs you can use to help figure out if you are in this situation:

1.) Regular exercise ain't happening

Were you once a gym rat, or did you get out and run/walk/bike a few times a week on a consistent basis and now you have no time for it?  For overburdened people a common practice to create more time is to cut exercise out.  Sometimes putting aside that trip to the gym in favor of something else is necessary but it is all too easy to fall out of the habit of going, which isn't good for anyone.

2.) Healthy eating is something you aspire to

After a hectic workday and coming home to a  huge list of household chores, it can be pretty easy to give in to fast food temptation or ordering out instead of cooking your own meal.  Again once in awhile is okay but if the pizza delivery guy is on your speed dial and you have already stopped working out, it is not only unhealthy but a sign you might have too much going on.

3.) Hobbies have become a non-existent priority

If your hobbies have been replaced by household chores, doing laundry, running errands, etc, there is a good possibility you are doing too much.  In general, people prioritize things they "must do" over things they "want to do" and sometimes "it is what it is", but if you let life pass you by without doing the things you love and get energized by,  it is a clear sign you are doing too much.  After all, what is life without time to pursue and enjoy the things you love to do?

4.) Constantly running late

We all run late from time to time, our alarm didn't go off, the train/bus was delayed, we're stuck in traffic, or a meeting ran long, but if you are perpetually running from meeting to meeting and are late to all of them, you are doing too much and you either need to dial things back, learn to say no, or learn to time manage a bit more strategically.  The danger here is that while you are trying to accommodate everyone and get to every meeting, your lateness can be perceived as unreliability or lack of respect, and that is clearly the opposite of the message you want to convey.

5.) Stress is impacting your health  

If you experience regular headaches, fatigue, aches and pains, chronic cold-like symptoms, insomnia, weight gain, hair loss, or some combination of these in addition to irritability, lack of patience, become easily frustrated, feel overwhelmed or like you are drowning, lose focus easily and have become forgetful, you are definitely experiencing stress.  If this sounds like you, then you've reached the point where you need to make a change, drop some items off the to-do list, so you can get back on track and return to a more manageable work-load.  After all as the great Count Rugen in the Princess Bride says, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

Raising a resilient child: Parent-coaching, sports and life lessons

Now that my little ones are old enough to play organized sports, I find my role as a parent morphing into parent-coach in this context.  I don’t know about you but I have had coaches in my childhood that ran the gamut from the sweet, understanding, everyone just have fun coaches, to coaches who would make you cry and run extra “suicides” just for kicks, barking out orders and never praising you because you could always "do better".  The coaches that I was always most receptive to were the ones who were able to strike a balance somewhere in the middle, coaches who knew enough about their team to know when to push their players harder and when to ease up.  These situations were always easy to manage however because there was never the added layer of a family tie.  As a Mom however I find it difficult to sometimes figure out the best tactic to take with my own children when I am in parent-coach mode.  

As parent-coach of my own kids,  I don’t want to be too hard on them so as not give the impression of playing favorites or turning my kids into the stereotypical "coach’s kid,” but I also don’t want to go easy on them either because I want them to understand the importance of competition, winning, losing, sportsmanship, resilience, and team spirit.  The competitive side of me wants to push my kids to their maximum potential knowing that they have the ability to do well in any sport they play, but the mother side of me cautions not to project onto them my own desires, and attempts to remember this is their journey, that ultimately they will let me know what path they wish to take and that I am just along for the ride.  When just "the encouraging parent on the sidelines", I find that I am also in observation mode and I’ve noticed that other parents are struggling with walking this line too.  I’ve seen a wide cast of characters from the overzealous mothers and fathers, screaming out orders from the sidelines, frothing at the mouth and chastising their kids when they return from batting saying that “a strikeout is not acceptable.” I see the parents at the opposite end of the spectrum who encourage every kid on the team just for trying, the ones who praise kids for having a good “baseball stance” or a “good swing” even though they are not making even remote contact with the ball.  I watch the kids respond to this parental input in a variety of ways and it ranges from kids who get teary eyed and upset if they don’t get a hit, to kids who get mad and throw their helmet to the ground and refuse to continue playing, to kids who just shake it off, keep it moving and try again fresh in the next inning. 

Of course I want my children to do their best, and want them to be the ones who can shake off frustrations or failures and live to fight another day.  I want to raise kids who use failure as inspiration to do better the next time, and realize this one at bat, or that one dropped pop fly, or  that missed goal isn’t the end of the world but rather an opportunity to try again and do better next time.  I want to raise children who use failure as motivation to practice more, work harder, and focus on improving so they can avoid making the same mistake the next time. A child that can do those things in the face of adversity sounds like a resilient child to me and this is the type of child I want to raise.  True resilience or “grit” in my view is the gift that keeps on giving and is that special intangible quality that will lift your child up throughout their life no matter what they face or what happens to them for the good or for the bad.  In the sports context, you want to make sure your child comes out a “winner,” which in this case means they feel good about themselves and have a healthy attitude towards sports.  

The question is how to do you get there, as in how do you “create” this kind of child?  The following are six lessons I’ve learned from the many good coaches in my past (coupled with some lessons I uncovered while researching sports psychology websites, the best of which was www.competitivedge.com), that apply to parent-coaches today and that I think will assist in “building” a resilient child:

1) Encourage competition (primarily with themselves) – The primary goal of sports is to challenge oneself and to always improve.  Unfortunately, judging improvement by winning and losing is both an unfair and flat-out wrong measure. Winning in sports is about doing the best you can do, separate from the outcome or the play of your opponent. Children should be encouraged to compete against their own potential.  When your child has this focus and plays to better themselves instead of beating someone else, they will be more relaxed, have more fun and therefore perform better.

2) Don’t define success and failure in terms of winning and losing – Kind of a part two to the first point, one of the main purposes of the sports experience is skill acquisition and mastery.  When a child performs to their potential and loses, it is the wrong approach to focus on the loss and become critical.  If a child plays their very best and loses, help them feel like a winner because they did their best!  Conversely, when a child or team performs far below their potential and wins, this isn’t necessarily grounds to feel like a winner.  The point is to help the child make the critical distinction between success and failure in terms of playing to their potential versus winning and losing.

3) The important lesson of “Failure” -   If you truly want to foster resilience in your child, then teach them how to fail.  The most successful people, in sports and otherwise, have on average failed more often than they have succeeded.  So what makes them a success if they’ve failed so much?  Firstly, it is the fact that they are more willing to take risks which usually leads to failing more frequently.  Further and more importantly, theses risk-takers have used those failures as a source of motivation and as a "lessons learned" of what not to do or what to improve upon next time.  We are taught in our society that failure is bad and to fear the humiliation and embarrassment of failure.  This in turn makes us risk averse and unwilling to try anything new or different or to push our boundaries.  However, you can’t be successful if you are always preoccupied with losing or failing.  By teaching our kids to deal with setbacks, mistakes and how to take appropriate risks, they will be equipped to deal with anything life throws at them and will be set up for success in the long-run.  Failure in a sporting context is the best opportunity and the most fertile ground for this lesson.

4) Make it fun – It has been demonstrated time and again that if you love what you do and have fun doing it, the better you will perform.  The element of fun must be present for peak performance to be achieved.  When your kid stops having fun, and/or doesn’t want to go to practice or a game, this is a red flag.  When things get too serious, or the balance between fun and pressure skews toward pressure, athletes many times fall into a performance rut.   A good litmus test is:  If your child is not having fun or not looking forward to playing and practicing, then you need to do some sleuthing and figure out why.  Even in a competitive league/program, there are no prohibitions on having fun, so encourage it!

5) Support your child and love them unconditionally - One of the things I hate seeing when I am in observation mode on the sidelines is a parent who withdraws from their child when they perform “badly”.  If a child strikes out, misses a goal, or botches a clutch play, the parent who responds by withdrawing, anger, disgust or chastisement is one that I pity.  Is it really that deep?  These parents don’t know the price they are going to pay for that response and the damage they are causing their children to feel.  This type of response also begs the question who are you (the parent) doing this for?  Can you say with certainty that your child is playing because they want to, are they playing just to please you, or are they playing just because you want them to?  If they are playing just please you and/or for the glory their success shines on you (the parent), then they are playing for the wrong reasons.  It’s normal to want your children to succeed, do their best and excel in life, but pressuring them to live-up to your expectations and your goals is the wrong way to go.  If you child is in it for their own reasons/interests, they will be far more successful and far more likely to remain motivated to play, have fun and maintain a sense of lasting fulfillment.

6) Avoid comparisons - Supportive parents do not use other athletes that their child competes against to compare and thus evaluate their child's progress. Comparisons are useless, inaccurate and destructive.  Performance comparisons can prematurely turn off otherwise talented athletes on their sport. The only value of comparisons is in teaching. If one child demonstrates proper technique, that child can be used comparatively as a model only! For your child to do their best, they need to learn to remain focused on themselves. Worrying about how another athlete is doing interferes with their ability to do this.

Thankfully our little ones are only in the beginning stages of playing competitive and organized sports, so there is still more time for us to learn and find our footing as parent-coaches.  I think these lessons imparted by my own coaches and their coaches to them will be a useful place to start from to support our children in their pursuit of playing sports and as people learning to ride the unpredictable waves of life.   Knowing that we can instill resilience in our children from an early age and knowing that they can cope with failure and setbacks gives me peace of mind as a parent knowing that when they are faced with challenges in life, even when they fail, they will go through it and come out clean and undefeated on the other side. 

10 Things I Hate (in no particular order)

So it is Tuesday and already a couple of these things have happened to me.  However I decided instead of flipping out on people or getting stressed that instead I would write it down and share it.   I don't know about you but it usually isn't the big things that push my buttons, it is more the little seemingly insignificant things that get under my skin.  Do these things ever happen to you?  If so, how do you manage them? 

1)  When you push the elevator button and it is lit, then someone who just saw you push the button comes immediately behind you and pushes it again, like your push didn’t count – why lady why, was my push not good enough for you?

2) When you are in the bathroom stall and you hear another person leaving but you don’t hear any water running or paper-towels being dispensed, then they open the door to leave – Just gross, wash your damn hands, I don’t want to be in the vicinity of your waste matter particles, CLEAN IT UP!!

3) When you are telling someone a story (or anything) and they keep interrupting you trying to “guess” what you are about to say next – just friggin’ listen and let me finish the dang story.

4) That horn noise that goes off constantly in reggae and hip-hop mixes – okay I like it once but don’t keep rewinding “selecta,” just learn to play the horn noise sparingly PLEASE!  Less is more!

5)  Objects that require batteries but in sizes other than double AA, triple AA, D or C, like those stupid round batteries that go in a watch that you can’t find anywhere or those weird rectangle ones with the round things on top, yeah those.

6) Group text messages with people I don’t know, it’s like a bonanza – my phone going off with numbers I don’t recognize so much so that the battery is half dead by the time the conversation is done.  Just want to throw my phone when this happens.

7) Putting a coat on over a long sleeve shirt and having the shirt’s sleeve roll up to your elbow or beyond.  I have tried a variety of tactics to combat this and here are my top three:  A) Hold onto the sleeve in your hand then put on said coat (this usually does the trick but some sleeves can be tight so not as easy to get a grasp on), B) Take the coat off, then put it back on while carefully sliding your arm straight down so there is no contact between the shirt and the coat (doesn’t always work for me, I almost always hit the side), or C) Just roll out with disproportionately large biceps and don’t worry about it (This usually only happens to me because I didn’t leave myself enough time to employ options A or B.) L

8) Any sentence that includes the words cray, bae, fleek, “or nah”, swag, yolo, seriously, really, omg.

9) My phone auto-correcting, it always gets it wrong like why does “love you” become “louie” or “lovely”.

10) That whenever I need some “quality time” in the bathroom at home, that’s when the kids want to bust in the door and talk and hang around and won’t leave no matter what I try to bribe them with.  Please can Mommy finish first, then we can read, eat, play, go outside, do anything … why do you want to be with me right now and why do you want to wait for me in here?  

Please feel free to add things you hate in the comments section for future additions of "10 Things I Hate" and let me know if you hate some of (or all) of these things as well.

4 Financial Tips/Tricks to “make it” in DC on a public servants budget

Caveat:  I am NOT a financial expert in any way, shape, or form.  I am however a habitual HR brown bag attendee and question asker and the lucky recipient of a lot of sound financial advice during my time in the foreign service thus far, which I will now impart to you. 

Take advantage of loan forgiveness programs

If your employer offers these programs and you have qualifying student loans, participate in them.  Why pay your own student loan debt when someone else will do it for you?  The State Department offers the Student Loan Repayment Program (SLRP), for those who qualify under the parameters of the program.  If you are like most newly minted Foreign Service officers, you have moderate to significant to so big you don’t want to think about them loans and the SLRP is an easy way to knock out your loans.  For those who may not qualify for the SLRP or are not in a position to serve in a service needs differential post, do a little research and see if you qualify for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) program and if so apply for it.  The PSLF Program is intended to encourage individuals to enter and continue to work full-time in public service jobs. Under this program, borrowers may qualify for forgiveness of the remaining balance of their Direct Loans after they have made 120 qualifying payments on those loans while employed full time by certain public service employers.

Max out your Thrift Savings Program (TSP) or contribute enough to get the agency match

If you remember nothing else from this section, remember this, “compound interest is your friend.”  The TSP.gov website says this about compound interest, “Compounding is powerful because it allows you to make money not just on the money you contribute to your TSP account every year, but also on the money that it earns.  The power of compounding can work for you whether you contribute $10 to your TSP account or $10,000.  The most important thing you can do is to start saving as soon as you can and be consistent.” I know it can be a challenge to “survive” in the DC-area as a federal employee, especially as an entry-level officer, but to the extent you can maximize your TSP you should do it.  For 2015, the maximum contribution limit is $18,000.  If you cannot commit this much to your TSP, contribute enough to get the employer match, otherwise you are throwing away free money.  Note:  You need to make a contribution equivalent to 5 percent of your basic pay to receive the full 5 percent agency match.  The agency match breaks down as 1 percent automatic agency contribution and an additional 4 percent to match your contribution. 

Live within your means

If you are like many Americans, you may find that you spend more than you save, an easy and common pattern to fall into in the DC-area.  In order to reverse this trend it is essential to employ planning and discipline.  Here are some steps (paraphrased from practicalmoneyskills.com) that can help:

1.) Create a budget

2.) Question your needs and wants

3.) Track, Trim and Target

Creating a budget can be a painful and tedious process, however the process will let you know in painstaking detail how much money you have coming in and where your money is going.  Once you understand your money flows, you can evaluate your larger financial picture, figure out ways to spend less or conversely earn more, establish realistic financial goals, and identify the steps you need to take to achieve those goals.

Take advantage of where you live

I keep alluding to living in DC in other parts of this piece because it actually does make a difference in terms of how far your money can stretch and in this case, “location” directly dictates the terms of what it is to “live within your means.”  DC is currently in the top 10 most expensive American cities according to the most recent CBS Money Watch report.  Some interesting stats from that report are below; I have cross referenced their findings with the national and/or median average cost for comparisons sake:

WASHINGTON, DC                                                         NATION

Can of coffee:  $4.93                                                          $2.38

Average rent:  $1960                                                          $769

Price of a home: $767,000                                                  $188,900

T-bone steak:  $10.52                                                         $3.89

Trip to the beauty parlor:  $51                                            $24

Dozen eggs: $2.36                                                              $2.27

*I guess we’re kind of okay with egg prices.

However, unlike everywhere else in the country, we live in our nation’s capital and with that privilege comes A LOT of free stuff.  There are many sites out there about things to do in DC for free, one of the best and most comprehensive is below:

http://washington.org/100-free-and-almost-free-things-do-dc

Take advantage of the: Smithsonian Museums, National Zoo, Screen on the Green, the National Gallery of Art, the Kennedy Center, the Baltimore Inner Harbor, miles of amazing biking/running trails and parks, DC Restaurant Week, free tickets to sporting events, concerts, and more at the Verizon center, and programming at the DC Convention Center.  With all of the Universities, think tanks, non-profits, and consulting firms in this area, there is no shortage of festivals, conferences, and fairs etc. that are often free and open to the public.  There are so many free opportunities and things to do in this area that if you are paying a lot to be social, you are doing something wrong.

Surviving the “Tired Years”: Five Ways to get through the early childhood years with your sanity and your marriage intact

Before our daughter was born, I thought parenthood would be a cinch.  First of all, we outnumbered our son 2:1, so what was he really going to get away with.  An additional plus, as the only grandchild, we were the happy beneficiaries of ridiculous amounts of love and support from our extended family.  Then we moved and our daughter was born. 

Trust me when I tell you that having a second child changes everything.  We went from being reasonably rested, happy, social and easygoing, to stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and totally unfocused on ourselves and each other.  It got to the point where leaving the house 30 minutes – one hour late without forgetting anything was considered a “good” day.

If you’re in the same boat as us and learning to adapt to caring for two children (or more), here are some practical tips that have helped us get by and reclaim our sanity and a little of our “pre-kid” life marital swagger:

1. Be on the same page

This is the basis for a successful marriage and a worthy goal to strive for, period. However, before the children start coming it is essential that you and your spouse discuss the roles each of you will be taking on, where your strengths and weaknesses lie, and how you can support one another best. This is not to say that things won’t change (change is inevitable when it comes to parenting), but if you think you can just start parenting without understanding and preparation… you are mistaken!  Take time to talk about each of your expectations and hold each other accountable and re-visit the conversation as often as needed.

2. Have each other’s back

There are lots of resources, parenting books, blogs, websites, podcasts etc. out there offering knowledge to help guide you along your parenting path, but nothing comes close to your instincts/trusting your gut.  If you sense your spouse is at a breaking point, it doesn’t matter how tired you are, or what else you’ve been through that day, you have to get in the game and do whatever you can to help. Even after I’ve worked a full day and battled through a stressful commute home, it doesn’t matter how tired I am or how tough my day was, if I see that my husband is exhausted and needs a break, I jump in and help, and he does the same for me.

3.  Make time to make love

You’re both exhausted and the second the kids go down all you want to do is go down too.  It’s natural to be tired, in fact tired is the norm, but unfortunately this norm is an unhealthy one for your marriage and for your family.  Try to remember that in addition to being parents, you are in a committed and loving relationship with each other first. Whenever and as often as you can, spark the flame and make time to make love. You’d be surprised at how quickly you regain your footing as a couple and despite the fact that these opportunities may be far and few between, they will actually draw you closer together and give you something to look forward to.

4. Give each other a break

Whether it’s an hour or two at the coffee shop or going out with friends, an after work happy hour, watching sporting events,  or whatever, if your spouse works as hard as mine does, the best thing you can do for them is to give them a break. Sometimes just getting away from home for a little while is enough to help recharge your batteries and cautionary note:  don’t you dare complain about how CRAZY things were while they were out, that totally negates the gesture and just causes trouble.

5. Laugh A LOT

I have many friends with young children who look significantly older than they actually are. They look this way because the stress of parenting has gotten the better of them, and in these cases, they have lost the sense of joy and excitement that comes with parenting.  Despite the chaos, make sure you both find humor in the midst of it all.  If you can’t laugh with, for and at each other and yourself, your issues are deeper than you think. The key is to stop taking yourselves seriously and realize how fortunate you are to have each other and how incredibly blessed you are to have these beautiful children in your lives.

As we learn more I’ll be happy to share. But for now these five tips have been a tremendous help in keeping our heads above water and making sure our kids and our marriage are as healthy as can be.

Insomnia...

This post is about insomnia, a phenomenon that I have been suffering from more and more frequently of late and one that I almost never suffered from in the past.  What's changed?  Well, it could be the fact that I am a mother, with an ear acutely attuned to my child's every nighttime movement, which is disruptive, and a source of great anxiety, especially when illness occurs (the baby monitor that amplifies every sound made, doesn't exactly help either).  It could be the fact that I have mixed feelings about returning to work/full-time study tomorrow and though part of me longs to return, a greater part of me wants to remain on vacation. It could be the fact that I have a constant to-do list in my head that I am continually editing, re-prioritizing, adding to, removing from, etc and for some reason this seems to occur primarily at/ or during the night.  It could be the fact that I am now 6 months pregnant and it is becoming increasingly difficult to find comfortable sleeping positions which means that any sleep I do get is certainly less sound than normal.  Or it could be all of the above.  

As a recent and occasional sufferer, I am at a loss as to how best to combat this annoying and frustrating phenomenon.  I have tried free reading which sometimes works but rarely since I usually just get further into whatever it is that I am reading and don't want to stop.  I have tried turning on monotonous background noise (i.e. the television or the air purifier) hoping maybe that the droning sound will lull me back to sleep.  I have tried sleeping in other locations like the guest room or the sofa in the living room.  However, this solution doesn't work for me either because instead of sleeping, I find myself even more awake because I am hyper aware of every sound, change of light in the new location since I am not accustomed to sleeping there.  I have tried yogic, rhythmic breathing which I read is supposed to reduce anxiety and calm the nerves.  While I found it to be a calming tactic, it has never served to help me get back to sleep.

I find it ironic that in many of the articles that I have recently read about insomnia, there seems to be a running theme of, "Try to be as relaxed as possible in the day and don’t let stress, anxiety and worry get the better of you".  Okay I get that, but my question is how?  I have found that I sometimes get insomnia even when I am not consciously aware that I am stressed out or worried.  If I am chewing on an issue subconsciously, how do I control that or apply stress/anxiety management tactics to thoughts or worries that I may not be consciously aware of.  This brainteaser of a problem alone could be a potential source of stress :-)

I know that I am not the only sufferer out there and am hoping that this short post will generate some feedback from others who have found solutions that work for them.  I really want to nip this thing in the bud before it becomes a more persistent and constant problem.  Tips and suggestions are welcome.

Thanks for reading...